....is all I long for.
I'm the kind of girl that many might think is the type to wear my heart on my sleeve. Although it may seem that I am in love with someone new every other week, to be honest I have only truly cared for three guys in my life.
The first guy showed me all sides of his insanity from the start. He lied to me every chance he got. He would show me interest then constantly throw in my face that he was already in a relationship. He would constantly bring me to tears and I would never do anything of harm back. We had all the drama of a relationship but none of the benefits. Over the years (yes years) things got better and I finally learned to except that we were better off as friends and nothing more, he even got to calling me his "best friend". Many times he would call me at any hour of the night to vent or just to talk and I would sit there with an open ear and try and help. How nice it is that he felt that he had a "best friend" to turn to. Never once did I feel that I could get the same friendship in return from him. There have been many times were I was frustrated or heartbroken and all I wanted was someone to listen to me and his name was never first to pop in my mind.
Next was the "Bestfriend". He was my first boyfriend but before that he was my "best friend". We had what seemed to be a good relationship, with him if I needed someone to talk to or cry to he would be there and try his best to make it better. The only downfall (that i knew of at the time) was that both he and I didn't drive which made it difficult to see each other but he did his best to see me. Even though I did love him and when i was with him felt safe, there were many times when I didn't feel like he could come to my rescue if i was ever in need. There was a long time when I was giving out all my friendship and getting only heartbreak in return which brought me back to my original dilemma of instability. I do consider him a best friend, even though he put me through tons of heartbreak and unnecessary drama it's all in the past and he walked away for my own sake. Me and him are friends again, I can't say that we are best friends because I don't want anyone to assume that we are crossing any boundaries but he knows that I would be there for him and his new family in a heartbeat.
Finally my last heartbreak. When this one started calling me his "best friend" I should have ran. I don't understand where he came off calling me "best friend" when there was not one time I could count on him. Never the less I fell for him and I fell hard. I gave him my whole heart and everything and anything else he wanted. If he called I would drop whatever I was doing and make sure I was available to him, he would come spend time with me at his convince and for his own personal gain. To make things worse he did not even have a way for me to get a hold of him. He came along with so much baggage yet I accepted him for who he was. I never did anything wrong in the "relationship" we had yet every week he had me in tears when I wouldn't get a daily phone call from him. I would sit there wondering what I had done to screw things up, never stopping to think that it was him and not me. I constantly put him first and never got anything in return from him. Some best friend right? In the end when I finally realized things were not going to get any better when I told him that I couldn't keep going with how things were he disappeared. I never heard from him again.
To sum it up, the point of this whole rant is to try and make sense of what I'm missing in all these scenarios. Okay I get it, I was too forgiving and too nice but where do you draw the line? I don't believe you have to be a bitch to a guy to gain their respect, that act gets old after a while. I am a genuine girl who puts other's feelings above my own and I know many other girls who feel and do the same yet we are mistreated. So in the end I have yet to find that stability I need in a guy. I am perfectly happy with my life I do not need a guy to define who I am or base my sole happiness on him but after all I have been through I like to hope that there is someone out there who will not use me or leave me in heartache. Even though the focus of this blog was on the guys that left the biggest impact on me there have been those out there that make me feel that they purposely went out of their way to treat me like I do not matter as a person. To the guys that have done that to me, I want you know know that if I never saw or heard from you again it wouldn't hurt my feelings one bit so don't try and drop a line now and then.
xoxo,
aire
